This article was originally published in August 2002. 

STREAM OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS

Nigel Kendall fills a hole in his life, quickly.

The dubious pleasures of imbibing intense spirits at high speed has many no less intense followers. A fine line divides such people from the ranting unwashed who stake out their park benches cradling litres of meths. For want of a better word, we’ll call this line “sophistication”. 

As most 14-year-olds know, the fastest way to get stonkingly drunk is to remove a cheap bottle of Scotch from mummy and daddy’s liquor cabinet, down it in five minutes and wait for the emergency services. This is the unsophisticated approach. For those who wish to get blind drunk more quickly, and enjoy the process, there is a host of more complex beverages. These are called cocktails and boast the advantage of reducing you to a gibbering wreck while making you believe that you are Cary Grant or Sophia Loren. Of fast acting cocktails, the tequila slammer is our undisputed king. 

But there is one drink to which even the slammer must doff its crown: that blazingly fast, stupendously spectacular, volcanic eruption of booze called The Shotgun. As anyone who has tried this high-speed method of beer-drinking will tell you, its name is no mystery. The procedure for the perfect shotgun begins when you take one ordinary can of beer. Then, shake it like maracas. Next, take a pointed implement such as the otherwise useless spiky tool on a Swiss Army Knife, and make a pinky-size hole at the bottom of the can (on the side), covering it swiftly with your thumb. Now, put the covered hole to your mouth and, holding the can upright, in one swift movement lift the ring pull with your other hand while releasing your thumb at the bottom of the can. This tricky bit of coordination ensures that a single shotgun is usually all that one drinker can manage. The resulting fountain of beer will shoot directly into your throat, and for all your furious gulping, down the front of your clothing, making for that stale beer aroma so irresistible to the opposite sex (see park bench, above). Don’t try and gulp too fast, or beer will enter your lungs and you’ll probably drown. 

That the Shotgun works so brilliantly is more than the answer to an alcoholic’s dreams, it’s a miracle of physics. What happens is this: shaking the can creates immense internal pressure. When you open the ring pull and remove your finger from the hole, the liquid takes the path of least resistance and a vacuum is created in the beer’s wake, pulling in air as the beer is pushed out ever faster. By the time the void has been filled, so have you. Nature may abhor a vacuum, but there are some people who live for them. Shotgun, we salute you.

WHAM! Life is short... drink fast

TEQUILA-CHAMPAGNE SLAMMER 

A seething froth of the rough and the super-smooth, to be downed in one breath. Drinkers are usually downed soon afterwards. Mix 15ml of champagne (or 7-Up, for the slummer’s slammer) in a shot glass of tequila, cover with a coaster, swirl and bash neatly on the counter. 

ONE CUP SAKE 

The last refuge of the truly desperate or desperately ancient, this ring-pull jar is worthy of inclusion for its instant availability from street vending machines everywhere – and might even be found on the paint shelf at the local hardware. Stick to the good stuff. 

JUICE BARS 

Vitamins for the morning-after. Often found at train-station kiosks, a favourite haunt of last night’s victims. Banana and mango are good for that restorative mix of C and E vitamins, but steer clear of especially acidic juices unless you want to be even more miserable. 

AOJIRU 

A peculiar maxim of the health-conscious is that the worse something tastes, the better it is for you. Aojiru, or kale juice, proves it. The ultimate palliative for the morning after, though you should keep some chewing gum handy to take away the taste. 

REGAIN 

Could be the name of a hair restorer, but it’s a best-selling energy drink, a single-shot of B vitamins, nicotine, caffeine and god-knows-what-else, to put the bounce back in your step. Some would suggest that hair restorer tastes better. 

MILK BARS 

Another favourite of harried commuters is the quick hit of plain or coffee milk in those bottles with the paper cap so deftly picked off by the old lady at the train-station counter. To be consumed on the spot and the glass bottle returned – unless you want grandma rousing on you. Morning-after milk promotes diarrhoea and may induce vomiting.

Text: Nigel Kendall / Photo: Steve West