This article was originally published in August 2002. 

Quick thinking might stop your next meal being your last

When Cooking, emergencies strike. Eat’s holiday guide to kitchen crises will help you avoid the worst and fix the rest. 

This article was originally published in September 2002. Therefore some references and time-specific information may no longer apply.

Pressure Drop

In the Juzo Itami film Tampopo, an elderly man gagging on glutinous mochi (rice cake) is rescued by a skilfully brandished vacuum cleaner. Life imitated art at New Year’s 2001, when a 70-year-old man in Hokkaido, northern Japan, began choking on his festive mochi and was saved by his daughter and her hoover.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Don’t slap a choking victim – get quickly behind her, clutch your arms around her waist, rest one fist against her upper abdomen and with the other hand laid on top, press in hard and fast. Works for pets, too. 

Pig Bagged

The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper reported last May on two diners who faked heart attacks to avoid paying bills at posh restaurants; the second “collapsed” after quaffing a cognac, but was arrested after ambulance drivers, who knew him by name, called the police.

Belly Up Fish

tetrodotoxin, the deadly neurotoxin found in fugu, or puffer fish, acts fast: numbness of the lips and tongue appears within 15 minutes, death from respiratory paralysis as soon as four hours. It’s no surprise to learn that a fugu chef spends up to ten years in training, though we can only puzzle at the number of deaths caused every year by amateur fugu chefs.

Not on my New Armani

A severe food allergy could send you to the emergency room with anaphylactic shock; to the nut-averse, even kissing someone who has eaten peanuts could cause a plunge in blood pressure and a break out of hives. Recently, US consumer groups have been standing up for the allergy-plagued by pressing manufacturers to come clean in their labelling (don’t say “casein”, say “milk”). In fact, however, only about two-and-a-half percent of adults and six to eight percent of children have true allergies. The rest of us suffer mere food intolerances, or are just picky.

Last Fix

A 32-year-old man walked into a 7-Eleven in St. Louis, Missouri in October 1994, where he grabbed a hot dog and sprinted outside. The police discovered him unconscious nearby; he died soon after from choking on the hot dog.

Sneaky solutions for kitchen cock ups

International Rescue

1. Burnt pie? Trim those blackened edges and serve in individual cups as American-style turnover. 
2. Turn undercooked brownies or fudge into ice cream topping. Decorate flaccid soufflé with cream and fruit and serve as mousse. 
3. Use crumbled cookies as a layer in tiramisu. 
4. Traumatised cheesecake? Cover the cracks with sour cream or jam. 

Salt Cured

Add sliced raw potato to oversalted soups or curries, and remove when cooked. It will soak up the sodium. 

Veggie Arse

You can’t serve overcooked veggies. So turn them into a fashionably chilled purée, mash them and toss with pasta, serve as a dip, or add cream and stock for a full-fledged soup. 

Top Pop

Speed the cooking time of that long-forgotten popping corn by soaking the kernels in water for a few minutes and toweling dry before frying. 

Back on the Sauce

Timing Hollandaise is tricky. If it curdles, add two tablespoons of water per quarter cup of sauce and whisk until smooth; slowly reheat until thick and creamy. 

Cooking smart, and what not to do

Ready When You Are

Those Queensland mangos are beautiful – except that they won’t be ripe for tomorrow’s dinner with your mum. Put underripe fruit in a paper bag together with a piece of ripe fruit and store overnight in a cool cupboard. The natural ethylene from the ripe fruit will speed your mangos to perfection. If they’re still not ready, slice and simmer them in a canned version of their own juice. 

Fat Burner

Most kitchen fires are caused by cooking oil, so don’t turn your back on those bubbling spring rolls. Never store oil near the stove, keep your exhaust fan and air-con filters clean and if a blaze does break out, first kill the heat then choke the flames with a fire blanket, foam extinguisher or thoroughly damp bath towel. If that doesn’t work, run away, scream at the neighbours and call the fire department. 

Suicide Barbie

Never light a hooded gas barbecue with the lid down. Accumulated gas in the enclosed space is a recipe for a backyard bomb. And if you arrive home to the smell of gas, don’t hit the light switch. The tiny spark inside the mechanism could detonate your home. Open windows and doors and stop the leak first. 

Thick as a Brick

Smoke kills as efficiently as fire, so when your lard-fried potatoes have gotten so out of hand that you can no longer see your kitchen, it’s probably time to leave home ­– by crawling along the floor. 

All Shook Up

Stop cooking when the earth shakes. Many of the deaths caused by the 1923 Great Kanto Earthquake were from coal and wood cooking fires – the temblor struck right on lunchtime. Toll: 140,000 dead, 700,000 buildings wrecked and two days of flames. And before the next big one strikes, make good on that promise to store drinking water, food that doesn’t need cooking, and cash. 

Lap Dancers

Yet another way that fast food will kill you: US highway authorities this spring announced that the most dangerous substance to consume while driving was coffee, followed by soup, tacos, cream-filled doughnuts and hamburgers. 

Ring of Fire

Capsaicin, the substance which makes chillies hot, is another oil that doesn’t mix with water. Drink milk, not water, or chew starches like bread or rice to calm the flames in your mouth. Tougher palates might try counteracting the alkaline irritant with an acidic dash of fresh lemon or lime. 

Coming clean, quickly

Slops Away

Red wine on clothing – if still wet – can be removed by dousing with soda water and washing. Four more ways with wine: 1. Soak the stained area in a mixture of vinegar and dishwashing liquid. 2. Drizzle white wine over red – the staining proteins in the white will cancel those in the red, as long as your clothes aren’t red. 3. Boil affected clothing or linens in milk, then allow to sit until the stain is gone. 4. Sprinkle a small mountain of salt to absorb fresh wine from carpet. Vacuum away. 

On Your Knees

No time to polish your lino? Rub vigorously with wax paper for a quick and deceptively professional finish. 

The Exterminator

Nothing can spoil the appetite like a gaggle of ants on a group tour towards the fruit bowl. Sprinkle ground cloves wherever they gather and over the hole they’ve spilt from. 

Wax Dummies

Don’t panic when a dinner guest elbows a candle into your carpet – wiping will only mash it deeper. Instead, let the wax cool, place a paper towel or brown paper bag over the spot and iron on low heat – the wax will melt into the paper. 

Wailing Wall

Hot gobs of frying oil will splatter naked walls, though a quick scrub of fresh blotches with soap and water will prevent stains. If you’re too late for that, spread a paste of cornstarch and water over the stains, let dry and scrape off. 

Kinky?

If you insist on cooking in leather pants, remove water spots by rubbing them with a tightly rolled ball of fresh bread. 

More Dirty Tricks

Rubbing rhubarb on pots and pans will naturally remove acidic stains. Spilt jam can be sponged off with white vinegar; grease stains disappear when slathered with shortening. Sprinkle plenty of salt on a dropped egg to congeal it for easy mop-up.

Text: David Jang / Photos: Martin Richardson